.one small step at a time.

.ofQuickUpdates.

2012-01-08T21:41:00.000+08:00

I turned 28.
Woohoo!
Celebrated with nice, random people.
Lethal birthday drink.
Knocked me out good.

Had my whole week of sun, sand, sea, and shots!
I am now really tanned from all that sunshine lovin'
I love it.
I love how the color gets better with each day.
From the initial dusty, smokey color to wonderful bronze-y.
Yes, I'm loving the color.

I am no longer sick.
Everything's pretty much out of the system. (I hope. I pray!)
Yes, the necessary pills are still there.
At least I'm not constantly scared.
Worrying, thinking that, "OMG, this is it. THIS is it!"
Alhamdullillah.

2011 ended.
Don't really care about it.
Wasn't really an awesome year anyway.
I did meet some wonderful people.
Blessed in that sense.
Had yet another heartbreak.
But well, that's nothing new.
Scars are there to remind you of the battles fought and survived.

Now. 2012.
I don't really have high expectations for the new year.
I am however expecting a crazy punched-in-the-gut feeling to hit in a couple of months. (*ahem* three *coughs*)
Till then, I'm just gonna float around.
The way I see it, if you're good to me, nothing much's gonna change on my part.
Yes, circumstances are asking me to put my guards up.
But I don't see the whole point of it really.
People can say what they want to.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Always have, always will.

Work's still gonna be insane, I'm pretty sure.
Insane is kinda good right now.
My escape.
At least with work I know that some things are within my control.
Nothing much is beyond me.
Which is good.
I've always liked the feeling of knowing that I CAN do something.
Rather than to just surrender.
Surrendering isn't my forte.

So yeah. Quick updates.
A lot of wishes in my head.
A lot of hopes.
Things I shall, for now, just keep inside.

All you amazing people around me, I pray you'll have a good year.
One with less heartache.
More happiness, more smiles, more laughters.
Be good now.
Be kind.

Here's praying that 2012 will be much, MUCH kinder to me.

Amin.

.ofBeingCarrie.

2011-12-20T19:50:00.004+08:00

That's it.
Screw it.
Time to play dirty.
Whatever it takes.
Boy, when you tell a "Carrie" you have something she's always wanted, expect nothing less from her but "whatever it takes."

This time, I'm not backing down.
Not as long as I don't need to.
*war face on*

p/s: Happy birthday dear True Blue. You know I love you xx

.of complications.

2011-12-12T02:31:00.001+08:00

Hanging out with boys put things into perspective.
Helps you "discover" things.
but then again, at the end of the day... you still want what you want.
and you still wanna ask questions.
Just so that you get that so called "closure".
Even though it's not something that you wanna hear.
Even though you KNOW what's the outcome.
You.Just.Need.Answers.
The realist in you KNOWS what's going down.
... but the girl in you just needs to HEAR everything.
The affirmation. The confirmation.
The bloody confrontation.
Even though you know it's all bullshit.
You just NEED to hear it from the horse's own mouth.
Every bloody bullshit. Every bloody crap.
Chr1s R0ck said girls are like cops. They can have all the evidence in the world, but they still need the confession.
Yes, fucking complicated.
That's just how girls are.
I'm not even gonna bother to deny it.
Girls are complicated.
Fucking screwed up. (and boys being the confused beings that they are don't help either!!)
We don't need you to understand us.
We just need you to love us.

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
THAT, my boy, is the bottom line.

.which one.

2011-12-11T12:01:00.001+08:00

It's decision time.
Trying to pick the easier option.
1- Going for what I want
2- Ignoring what I want just because it's "unavailable"

A little while back I asked "Why do I always have to back down? Who's backing down for me?"
Deep inside, I know why.
I want that clear conscience.
Knowing I do the right thing.
But really, it's about time I put myself first right?
So yeah, which is the easier option?

At this moment, all I could think about is "I want what I want. I don't wanna think about consequences. I don't wanna do the whole 'What ifs'."
But I don't know if going for what I want is easier than ignoring it.
Both seems to be quite hard right now.
Urgh. Bloody internal conflicts.

. t e n t h .

2011-12-10T04:23:00.000+08:00

The mother of all serendipity.
Knocked the living breath out of me.

You've hit the mark.
May amazing happiness find its way to you.

Love always,
Always, always xx

.Of Making That Turn.

2011-12-08T20:52:00.001+08:00

I choose to see the good in others.
Yes, I DO have good instincts that tell me sometimes there aren't only good things in you.
I just choose to give you benefit of the doubt.
It makes things easier for me.
That doesn't mean it doesn't affect me.
I DO get affected. Sadly, sometimes, very much.
I didn't change.
And I will still remain the same. For as long as it takes.
For as long as I can manage.
You, on the other hand, has changed.
360 degrees turn.
Yes, back to square one.
Pretty much a complete stranger.
If you could just do a few degrees of turn, and get back to be the person I knew then we wouldn't have to go through the awkwardness that is there now.
It's all on you now.
Make that turn.
I know very well I'm rooted to this position.
And you know things can be good again.
No complications.
Easy.
Unlike now.

There. I said it.
Till then, be good, boy.
xx

.of a bubble.

2011-11-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

So earlier today I had to go down to the KL office for a meeting.
It's near Masjid Jamek/Puduraya area.
As I was walking from the car park area to the office building I was feeling somewhat "lost."
In my head, I was going like, "THIS, right here, is a whole different world."
Once in a while, I'd encounter places/people/situations that would further confirm my belief that I live in my own little bubble.
Today was one of those.
I live in a bubble.
A bubble that some might say keeps me "sheltered."

.Of Double Yew Tee Eff.

2011-11-08T21:31:00.000+08:00

Brad upgraded from Jennifer to Angelina.
That's fine.
All girls know it's okay when the boy upgrades.
We accept it (despite with a heavy heart).
Cos how can we possibly beat THAT, right?
But I'm sure as hell Angelina would feel like being punched in the fucking guts if Brad then downgrades to Selma Blair.
Or Kate Winslet.
(of a boring, frumpy, no style, crappy haired version. No disrespect to the 2 actresses here. Jussayin')
Punched in the fucking guts.

What is wrong? What else is short?
What more is missing?
You've made sure that both inside and outside are as perfect as you could possibly manage.
So WHAT ELSE?
The strive for near-perfection OBVIOUSLY does not have an effect.
It only comes with bigger disappointments.
Disappointments that unfortunately and sadly, make you question yourself.

Hayley wants to pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like, shooting stars.
So let's pretend.
Let's pretend they're shooting stars.
Let's pretend that you are fine.
Let's pretend that yes, you ARE laughing wholeheartedly. Happily.
Let's just fucking pretend.
But until when?
How long should pretense last?

You know it's not right when it keeps you up at night.
Even the drugs don't seem to work anymore.
So what do you do?
How do you release the toxins?
Just when you thought you can finally run again (admittedly, knowingly for a short while), you trip over a freaking rock.
Lo and behold, you find yourself proof testing your expensive waterproof liquid eyeliner. Yet again.
They say, C'est La Vie.
All you could think to yourself is WTF?

2011-11-04T15:02:00.003+08:00

"Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying"
- John Mayer

. s a b a r .

2011-10-31T20:20:00.000+08:00

To quote someone dear to me: "Kesabaran itu ngga ada batasnya, sampai kapan pun."

Kesabaran tahap dewa dewi.

2011-10-30T22:10:00.000+08:00

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

. b r e a t h e .

2011-10-26T22:44:00.002+08:00

Splat, splat, and big fat fucking SPLAT.
Enough trying, enough taking chances for now.
I've been selling myself way too short.
Time to take a breather.
This is all too familiar.
Un-fucking-believable.
It was fun for a little while.

Reminder to self: It's a 2 way street. Toughen up your tofu inside.

2011-10-20T20:31:00.003+08:00

"Can't the force that made her so brilliant give her strength?"
- Clive James

Of Being Tofu

2011-10-19T14:43:00.000+08:00

I'm all tofu inside.
Easily squashed, easily crushed.
Tofu.
Tofu's not even yummy!
Bleurgh.
Suck it up bitch, suck it up.

On another note, being upset, annoyed, and pissed are 3 different things.
With a fine line.
3 different things I've experienced today.
And to think that only half the day has gone by.
God save my soul.
Please.

.of.Float&Splat.

2011-10-10T21:14:00.000+08:00

Things are crazy.
I didn't think I'd be in this position.
Sometimes when I get the chance, I think to myself "WTF is going on here???"
One part says "GET OUT! While you still can!"
Another part says "Embrace it. Come what may."
The thing is, you float and then suddenly, SPLAT!
You fall flat on your ass.
Then you start floating again.
So can't really blame me when I go "WTF, just WTF is going on here?"
I don't play games.
I'm beyond that.
I just wish some things are there in black and white.
As much as I know not everything is that straightforward, I still wish that in some cases, it is.
Just black and white.
Makes life a whole lot easier.
Then again, what's life without the messy bits right?
Oh well.
Here's to going SPLAT over and over again.
At least till the threshold's reached.

On another note, flying to India soon!
Boooyaaa!
Let's see what the fuss is all about.

p/s: Dear Jane, I promise I won't come back reeking of your much hated Ms. Roberts! xx

.Eid.Mubarak.

2011-09-18T20:02:00.000+08:00

It's been about 3 weeks since Raya. I've been crazy busy.
Since Malaysians celebrate for a whole month then I believe it's still not too late for me to make my Raya wish.
Even if it is, I don't quite care.
Better late than never.
And honestly speaking, my Raya would be meaningless if I don't wish you.
As much as I'm quite a Raya grinch, there are just some things that I need to do or I'd feel incomplete.
So here goes...

I would like to sincerely wish you Selamat Hari Raya.
I am standing before you (figuratively speaking) with the highest level of humility to ask for your forgiveness.
Please believe that I mean it when I say "Maaf Zahir Batin."
Right down to every particle of my being.

Forgive me for the wrongs I've done.
For the hurtful things I've said.
For every pain, every headache, every heartache.
My imperfect self sometimes does make mistakes.

I am not indifferent.
Not nonchalant.
I have no bitterness towards you.
I could only pray that you could extend the same towards me.

I hope that your Raya has been good.
That you've had nothing but love and happiness to celebrate for.
May from this day onwards you are indefinitely blessed.
And that you are spared from even the smallest bit of sadness.

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin.

Love always,
Always, always xx

. t r e s .

2011-08-24T22:20:00.001+08:00

Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.

. l i e s .

2011-08-24T06:05:00.000+08:00

I don't need food.
I don't need a drink.
I don't need the sticks when I'm stressed.
Naa'aahh.
I sure don't.
I'm perfectly fine.
I'm happy.
#lies

.helloGiggles.

2011-08-23T23:33:00.002+08:00

They say "sharing is caring."
In some specific cases, no, I don't want to share.
Call me selfish or whatever, I still wouldn't (knowingly) share my boyfriend.
Or my small piece of kulit KFC O.R. (unless I reaaallly love you).
Or erm, yeah, you get the idea.
BUT.
Yes, there's a but.
I will share with you this.
Just because I do care.
Even when you think I don't.

HELLO GIGGLES

I've been obsessed with hellogiggles.com ever since Zooey Deschanel started tweeting about it.
Yes, I love her.
Yes, I agree that she (as Summer) should be killed.
That's Summer though.
Not Zooey.
Anyways, back to hellogiggles.
It's awesome.
I love it and I want to share it with you so that maybe you could love it too.

Oh, here's my personal favorite: Dear Future Husband

Enjoy darlings xx

2011-08-21T22:06:00.000+08:00

How ironic it is that in order for you to gain something, you have to give something up.
As if without sacrificing anything, like a little part of yourself, you would hinder it from being truly meaningful.
If something's really worth having, then it's worth waiting for.
Or fighting for.
You can only hope that you don't sacrifice your whole being in the process.

. s o f t .

2011-08-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

I love hibernating.
Being completely engulfed by the softness and comfort of the mattress, the soft quilt, and the awesomeness of feather pillows.
Soft sanctuary.
One of the best feelings ever.
If I could earn money from sleeping, I'd be totally rich.
I kid you not.

.ofSheStays.

2011-08-12T23:43:00.000+08:00

So Ne-Yo sings:

She's always considering my feelings
Thinking of me before herself
Most of the time, I'm so damn selfish
I don't even realize she treats me so well

She's so much better than me
I'm so unworthy of her
Why does she stay? Why does she stay? Why?

Simple, dear boy.
She loves you unconditionally.
Sometimes, sadly, more than she loves herself.

. w r o n g .

2011-08-10T05:03:00.001+08:00

I thought that after a (long) while, I'd get used to it.
I thought wrong.
I'm PMS-ing.
Rindu.

p/s: Lidia, in my head, we're in bed eating our pint of Ben&Jerry's and crying together. I love you. You'll be okay eventually xx

.ofWorkShit.

2011-08-09T03:42:00.000+08:00

You know you're in deep stinking shit when you start getting dreams about work in your sleep.
Please let me have my sanity back.
I believe I am good enough of a person.
Yes, sanity back, please?

p/s: oh crap. Ramadhan. Too much swearing.

. p u a s a .

2011-08-01T15:03:00.000+08:00

I often get highly nostalgic during certain times.
Ramadhan is one of those.
So apparently a year went by.
I honestly have no recollection of what went on during that period.
Everything seems to be quite blurry.
Oh well.

Selamat berpuasa.
It's time for a little spiritual redemption.
You be good okay? xx

. a d d i c t i o n .

2011-07-28T16:53:00.005+08:00

According to Rabbi Shais Taub, in a Huffpost article, addiction is like this "giant black hole that can devour the light of a thousand suns and remain just as unfathomably black as if no sun had ever shone at all. It is an insatiable vortex that mercilessly consumes every iota of strength that human power can muster. We throw love at it. We throw loyalty at it. We scream at it. We bargain with it. We fight it. And when we just can't fight it anymore, we swear to ignore it, to never let it hurt us again, that is, until it pulls us back in."

He also has this message: "Please know that it's not that you haven't tried everything there is to try. It's not that you're not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, determined enough. You could multiply your efforts and your will power by literally a million times, you could have the whole world on your side, and still face the same heartbreaking outcome in the end. "

Addiction comes in many forms; Drug, alcohol, sex, shopping, or even something that seem silly like, cake. However, what one person think is silly might just be the reason why another person's life is ruined. I read the article by Rabbi Shais Taub with a sinking feeling. For the first time, I was overwhelmed by the very notion that no matter what you're addicted to, curing the addiction is not as easy as some people perceive it to be. Other people can't fix it for you. Most of the time, you can't fix it yourself either. What I believe is somewhat (painfully) easier would be to manoeuvre around the cracks. Yes, I agree; not really curing it, but still something at least. As cliche as it may be, something is at times really better than nothing at all. Don't judge someone for not curing herself. Sometimes, there's only enough strength left inside to crawl around the big black hole instead of taking the cement and close it entirely.

.ofDay3.

2011-07-27T17:44:00.003+08:00

Day 3.

Bored.

No, beyond bored.

This must be how fishing feels like. (Although I haven't really tried fishing properly.)

But I must say this: Macbook Pro is totally orgasmic.

*aahhhh*

Other than that, this really needs adjusting to.

Adjustment period is never easy.

Comes with withdrawal and all things ugly.

So yeah, here I am.

BULLDOZING it!

No effort, no achievement.

p/s: Here's hoping things are better for you! xx

.ofEargasm.

2011-07-24T01:27:00.001+08:00

Third time. Hoyeaahh.
Incubus, you never disappoint.
Never.
Fucking eargasm.
Thank you.
Hope you had as much fun as I did :)
xx

What's wrong with you is good for what's wrong with me
And I think maybe we should stick together
Because in the end,
We are friends and lovers

.ofIfNotNow.

2011-07-19T17:02:00.003+08:00

We've been good even a blast
But don't you feel like something's missing here?
Don't you dare?

I've waited all my life.
If not now, when will I?
Stand up and face the bright light
Don't hide your eyes

It's time, it's time, it's time...
- "If not now, when?"

. t r i v i a l .

2011-07-17T23:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I sit and wonder about really trivial stuff.
Like, bila lah rambut nak panjang?
Or why do my toes look like aliens?
How did my teeth turn out tiny?
What if droplets of the sun fall down on earth?
When will I get that fat fluffy rabbit?
Why am I ok with cats but I get squirmish when they rub themselves against my legs?
When will Monday ever be ok?
If you wear blue on Monday, will you worsen your Monday blues?
Do I really need a PS3?
Why does a Polaroid camera make that funky sound?
How long is too long?
Trivial stuff.
You wanna give me some answers?

. h u r t .

2011-07-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

Boy : I'll always love you. I hate hurting you.
Girl : Then why are you?

Guess it's true; Easiest to hurt the one you love.

. w e a k n e s s .

2011-07-06T00:34:00.000+08:00

That moment of weakness when all you wanna do is drunk-dial.
That moment of weakness when all you want is that horribly missed familiar comfort.
That moment of weakness.
It creeps up once in a while.
Breathe in, breathe out.

. g e m .

2011-06-27T18:48:00.002+08:00

Pay attention to the people around you. Those who stood by you through thick and thin are worth keeping. That kind of people doesn't come by easily anymore. Loyalty is now a luxury. Learn to say "thank you" and "I'm sorry." Humility will take you a long way.

. t g i f .

2011-06-24T13:18:00.002+08:00

It's Friday.
Grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey, give me everything tonight!

Dear weekend, let's do this. Bring it on xx

. t o n i g h t .

2011-06-19T23:14:00.000+08:00

don't you let me go, let me go tonight

. u r g h .

2011-06-16T01:19:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how your genuine fear of provoking someone (even accidentally!) can cause instant panic, stress, and sudden bout of diarrhea.
Soooo stupid. But yeah.
That's how much you wanna jaga hati someone.
Urgh.
Stress aku.

. r e a l i z e .

2011-06-13T15:04:00.000+08:00

"The worst deception we practice is on ourselves which is why sometimes it takes us a while to realize that the truth has been in front of us the whole time."

. e a s y .

2011-06-09T03:34:00.000+08:00

How can a man like me
Convince a girl like you
To be his lover and one and only
How can I make you see
That I'm the one for you
And nobody does it like me

Oh, so easy.
Ask and you shall receive.

. a m o n g O t h e r s .

2011-06-08T12:01:00.000+08:00

. m u s i n g .

2011-06-07T04:31:00.003+08:00

I lie awake in bed every night staring at the little glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and make wishes I know won't actually come true.

Sometimes trying to forget is harder than trying to remember.

I still want a fat fluffy rabbit.

I stare at myself in the mirror everyday for about 10 minutes, wondering when did I get so old.

I have a real fear of getting fat.

I pray for strength and patience. I often forget to pray for happiness.

Girls are mostly bestowed with the gift of natural instincts. Most of the time, their instincts are not far from the truth. It's just that sometimes, we girls choose to ignore it. Either for our own benefit, or for our loved ones.

I wish I would never lose myself amidst all the mess.

I honestly hate the fact that I can no longer believe hard enough. Or at all.

I love to see old couples (seemingly) in love.

I am too lazy for my own good.

Sometimes I think I have a mild case of OCD.

I talk to my body and tell it to give me a little break.

If I reprocess every single pill that goes down my throat, I could open a well-stocked pharmacy.

Everyday I try to make myself believe that my scars can be sexy.

I love the sound of the fan spinning fast. I find it somewhat comforting.

2011-05-28T18:03:00.000+08:00

Be fearless when searching for true happiness.
- Sarah Sechan

. g o l d i e .

2011-05-28T02:13:00.001+08:00

I have a little goldfish.
It looks so pretty and delicate.
I was convinced that it was gonna die cos out of the few that I had before, it was the tiniest and most fragile looking.
One by one the others died and this one has pulled through.
It's just down to this one now.
I haven't named this little one.
Part of me is scared to name it cos if it dies, I'll be devastated.
Maybe I really should name it.
This tiny survivor is now so cute looking.
So tiny and pretty but the perut is getting really buncit.
When it swims around, I can see it sorts of struggle to carry the perut around.
Hehehe.
Such a strong fighting spirit this little one has.
If I can keep on fighting, so can u, tiny one.
Soldier on, my buncit goldie.
Soldier on.
xx

.0.00.

2011-05-27T03:27:00.002+08:00

We'd always end up back where we started.
Where we came from.
Where we're meant to be.

"Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense"

.c o l o r.

2011-05-26T04:34:00.000+08:00

I used to think life is all just black and white.
No grey area.
Plain, straight-forward, simple equations.
But I've changed.
I guess life's lessons taught me about colors.
Patterns of swirly colors.
It's not just black and white anymore.
Love, just like life, isn't just black and white.

"Color my life with the chaos of trouble."

Embrace colors.

.ofBeingGrateful.

2011-05-25T03:19:00.001+08:00

When you have limited supply, you learn to be grateful for every bit of it.

.ofBeing10th.

2011-05-24T01:10:00.001+08:00

According to The Star newspaper, World Health Organization (WHO) stated that Malaysia is 10th largest alcohol consumer in the world.
(Putting college citation rules to good use. Heh.)

My, my.
Why am I not surprised?
Drink responsibly, my loved ones.

. y a y (I think) .

2011-05-19T10:18:00.001+08:00

I'm here.
On the other side.
Yay! (Even when I'm in so much pain, I feel like killing people)

In order to recover, surgery is required.
After surgery, sakitnya berjuta kali worse.
Yes, I feel like killing people. You got that right.
The road to recovery is painful, tough, ugly, smelly, and most of all, downright disgusting!

And just like I've mentioned before, this place can be the coldest place in the whole universe.
Even when it's full of people.
It's just cold, uninviting, and lonely.

.ofRealLifeGA.

2011-05-16T12:01:00.000+08:00

Here we go again.
3 surgeons, 1 anaesthetist.
My life; a real life episode of Grey's Anatomy.
With no yummy surgeons fighting over the chart.
Being in it is not as awesome as watching it.
Hopefully I'll see you on the other side.
Love always xx

. n o t e .

2011-05-15T23:56:00.000+08:00

Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will.

If you ever, for even a fraction of a second, doubt yourself, remember this.
There's always one person who has always believed in you.
Still do, and always will.
You are amazing. And beautiful.
You can be anything you want to be.
Reach the greatest height.
Be happy.

For what it's worth, I am thankful for the chance to have you in my life.
I am also thankful for everything that you've taught me.
Love, patience, strength, and everything in between.
Thank you :)

Love always,
Always, always,
xx

.h e a r t.

2011-05-15T18:43:00.002+08:00

Home is where the heart is.
The heart is here in this cold, foreign room for the next few miserable days.

2011-05-15T03:31:00.000+08:00

I'm scared.
I'm scared to even sleep.

2011-05-11T23:22:00.001+08:00

"Ultimately, we only see what we want to see when we're ready to see it."
- Ted Mosby

See, sayang. See.

.She'sOnlyHappyInTheSun.

2011-05-10T20:48:00.006+08:00

"She's Only Happy In The Sun" says Ben Harper.

"I know you may not want to see me
On your way down from the clouds
Would you hear me if I told you
That my heart is with you now

She's only happy in the sun
She's only happy in the sun"

. s q l .

2011-05-09T18:21:00.002+08:00

SQL, you suck!
You can go die. Or crash. Or whatever it is that you do to just die!
Die, SQL, DIIIIIEEEE!
I curse you!
*poooff*

select * from SQL_shit
where status = "go_die" and action = "crash"

p/s: *mutters softly to self* SQL, wai yu no like me?

2011-05-08T02:36:00.000+08:00

"Just because we can't be friends doesn't mean we aren't"

.o k a y.

2011-05-06T20:21:00.000+08:00

.It's Okay Not to be Okay.
smileandbreathe

. of5:55on5.5 .

2011-05-05T17:55:00.003+08:00

Adele's birthday is on May 5th.
I've officially declared today to be Adele's Day.
Now off you go and listen to the awesomeness of my favorite heartbroken soul princess.

"I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head"

. c h i v a l r y .

2011-05-04T13:24:00.003+08:00

As I was rushing to get back up to the office with my tapau-ed lunch, a random dude was getting out of the elevator. He saw me from the other end rushing and struggling to press the elevator button so I won't have to wait for the next elevator. He let his friends walked ahead of him, and held open the elevator door for me. Then proceeded to wait till I got in and pressed my floor button. He asked "you alright?" making sure I'm all set. All the while, a big genuine smile never leaving his face.

Now who says chivalry is dead? I am always glad to encounter such kind souls.
In this current world where everyone's always selfish and somehow always choosing to adhere to the saying "every man for himself," I find even the smallest of nice gestures refreshing.
I've always believed that no matter how horrible everything is around you, how ugly the world might seem sometimes, you don't have to stoop down to everybody's low levels and lose yourself.
Take care of the people around you, even when they don't do the same for you.
Even when some people say "you're too nice for your own good."
At the end of the day, you're only left with your morals.

. f o u r t h .

2011-05-04T00:31:00.001+08:00

get your lightsaber and geek out xx

. e s c a p e .

2011-04-29T21:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you gotta just smile and accept things.
Grab your bikinis and sunblock.
Escape the prison.
Seek refuge under the sun.
Smile.

"Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you"

Maybe tomorrow.

.ofCastlesInTheAir.

2011-04-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
- Henry David Thoreau

.Tminus12.

2011-04-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

T - 12 hours.
Scared as all hell.
God, please be kind.
I haven't been asking a lot from You.
You can be kind to me at the very least, no?

p/s: Painkiller is one of the greatest inventions.

.l o v e L o s t.

2011-04-24T14:11:00.000+08:00

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
And if you flash your heart, your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

. s i g h .

2011-04-21T23:43:00.000+08:00

Silly green eyed monsters on the shore,
playing holding hands
I'd love to give them what they really need,
and leave them all dancing hand in hand.
- Do You Want to Come With

.ofDrugsDon'tWork.

2011-04-19T18:30:00.000+08:00

I do know that God won't test someone if God knows the person can't handle it.
But does God know that it would break and bruise the person?
They say sticks and stones don't break you.
Well, "they" lied.
Take huge stones and hit a person with them, it might just leave him broken.
If not dead.

The road to recovery is a long and winding road.
It's an uphill battle.
There's nothing easy about it.
Especially when the battles don't seem to end.
They're stacked up on top of another.

It's quite impossible not to be tired.
The effort to "look on the bright side" or "be positive" or just plain believing you'll be okay itself is already so draining.

Just when you thought that perhaps, just perhaps it's all over for the time being, that's when a brick falls on your head.
You're left dazed and confused.
Like, did that just happen?
Did you really hear what you heard?
You find yourself laughing a little with disbelief.
The laughter then somehow evolved into tears.
All the questions you have in your head, not knowing who to direct them to.
At the same time not completely sure that you do really wanna know the answers.
You think to yourself, did you not pay your dues already?
Funny how life turns out quite a far cry from what you imagined or hoped.
You never thought life should be easy.
But you didn't think it would be THIS hard.

It's now time to be composed and collected.
Or, if that's too hard, you do what you've always done; just ignore.
Ignore everything until it slams you in the face.

One thing you should know.
When doctors go silent, or pause/hesitate a little, it's bad.
It's always bad.
That's not just on TV.

"Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse."

.ofTomatobaby.

2011-04-18T16:57:00.001+08:00

... and how can you not love the little tomato?
eeekkk!

. s o o t h i n g .

2011-04-18T01:44:00.001+08:00

There's just something soothing about Brandon Boyd's voice as he sings "to see you when I wake up, is a dream I didn't think could be real"
Even when it's painful, something can be somewhat soothing.
Here's to kicking Monday blues in the balls till they're black and blue.
Dooosshh!
Oh you know when it comes to typing out sound effects, I fail quite miserably.

. d e p e n d a n c y .

2011-04-14T23:35:00.000+08:00

So another round of heavy pill-popping session has started yet again.
I wonder when will this ever end.
Maybe I shouldn't have pressed "pause" in the first place.
Then again, it's just quite sad to come to terms with the fact that your life completely depends on those tiny pastel-colored chemical substance.
Sometimes denial can be quite an excellent coping mechanism.
At least until it backfires and makes you come crashing down all over again.
Here's to the tiny lifesavers.

.ofTemporaryHappiness.

2011-04-14T00:18:00.000+08:00

A long time ago someone asked me: "What makes you happy?"
I said: "Traveling. Traveling makes me happy."
So that's what I'm doing.
Zooming here and there as much as I can.

I miss the sheer ease of roaming around aimlessly.
The simple pleasure of not having any sense of time.

I miss looking forward to waking up in the morning and being happy.

. h o n g k o n g .

2011-04-06T18:06:00.000+08:00

Hong Kong Phooey!

. a n n o y i n g .

2011-04-05T23:44:00.002+08:00

Spams are annoying.
And so is BB keypad going absolutely berserk on you.
Sekian.

.ofRelocation.

2011-04-04T13:55:00.003+08:00

Office relocated.
I couldn't bear to say bye to my fav building so I didn't.
I just packed up n left.
Crying on the inside.
3 words: crap, crap, crap.
sigh.

. l i g h t . u p .

2011-04-03T04:03:00.004+08:00

Sometimes the gravity of it is hard to fathom.
The act of pushing everything aside seems to be the easier option.
You freeze yourself up so you won't be weighed down.
And just as ice cracks, you're bound to crack too.
The ache that comes with the cracks is sometimes too strong to ignore.

Light up, light up 
As if you have a choice 
Even if you can not hear my voice 
I'll be right beside you dear
- Run

.ofWorkaholic.

2011-04-02T04:01:00.002+08:00

You know you've taken the term "workaholic" to a whole new level when you wake up at 3.30 am on a Saturday to continue doing work.
Totally disgusting.
Lately, work-life balance = 0

The price of being some sort of a perfectionist.
In some twisted way, I do get this sense of accomplishment out of it.
Guess it comes with being a Capricorn.

.ofSundayThoughtBubble.

2011-03-27T13:57:00.001+08:00

To quote a friend: "True love is unconditional. It means being there for the person even after she/he has caused you so much pain and sorrow. Being an idiot is letting go of true love. Also, sad to say this, giving your true love to a douchebag."
You love who you love.
You like who you like.
Even if it does make you the biggest idiot on planet.
As powerful as the mind is, sometimes, the heart triumphs.
Even if the broken pieces are glued up with superglue.

The term "letting go" has different meanings to different people.
Some angrily stash everything in a black box, press [delete], and empty recycle bin.
Maybe even change hard disk altogether.
Some quietly accept and pray every moment that the other person is okay and happy.
Some go out partying, fly high and not reflect on anything.
Some just live normally and have flashes of the past once in a while.
Whatever rocks your boat.

When you're at my age, you'd most likely know how and who you are.
People of no significance won't affect your mind or your heart much.

.ifYouMust.

2011-03-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

"May you never steal, lie, or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn't live a day without you."
- Leap Year

. w e a k .

2011-03-15T13:33:00.002+08:00

You are my weakness xx

.ofNotBeingEmbarrassed.

2011-03-10T23:42:00.000+08:00

I feel that you should not be embarrassed of your emotions.
It is a part of you.
Of your very being.

Nobody has the right to judge you.
Unless he/she has walked in each and every one of your shoes right from the very beginning.
Be it the comfortable ballet flats you love so much that you still wear them even when they're almost torn apart.
Or those fuck-me heels that make your legs look heavenly but they practically kill you.
Every one of your shoes from beginning till end.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am not embarrassed to admit it.
I am certainly not going to apologize for it.

"But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve for daws to peck at."
- Shakespeare

.ofAutopilotMode.

2011-03-08T19:39:00.000+08:00

I open my eyes at 8 to dismiss the alarm.
I reply the good morning wish.
I go back to sleep till 815.
I realize it's now time to really wake up.
I drag my ass out of bed, drag my feet across the floor.
From that point until I arrive at the office, everything seems to be hazy.
As if I'm on autopilot.
Work is a complete torture now.
I am mentally and physically drained.
The stress is taking its toll.
Diarrhea, nausea, vomiting.
I am waiting for the full blown stomach flu.
Cos well, that happens when I'm heavily stressed continuously for a long period of time.
Horrible, yeah.
Soon, I know.
Nothing new, really.

After a long, horrid day, all you want to do is go back and cuddle.
Breathe in the comforting scent.
Know that you're safe.
You're okay.
At least for a few hours.

.ofNostalgicFriday.

2011-03-04T20:44:00.004+08:00

It's Friday and I'm feeling nostalgic.
M-Flo, it's been a while.

Chikaku ni itemo, boy, I miss you

Have a good weekend xx

.ofMyPancakes.

2011-03-01T00:22:00.001+08:00

Summer had Seth and Pancakes.
I don't have my Seth.
So at least lemme have my Pancakes, no?
I want a rabbit.
Like, really, really want.
I know I can't have a whole garden full of rabbits to play with.
So I'm asking for just one.
I promise I'll love it with all my heart and soul.
Yes, you know I love wholeheartedly.
So yeah? Rabbit, please?

.ofForever.

2011-02-27T20:30:00.000+08:00

like a handless clock with numbers
an infinite of time
no not the forever found
only in the mind
forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
so give me your forever
- Forever

.ofAllOfMe.

2011-02-20T23:01:00.000+08:00

Apparently the best piece of writing is one that is based on one's own life.
I don't write that well.
But my life is the only thing I know enough to write about.
Plain, in your face, or even cryptic.
It's my life that I write about.
All of me.
I won't apologize for it.

.disappoint.amaze.

2011-02-17T00:34:00.001+08:00

If I could travel back 10 years in time, meet my 17 y.o self, and tell that bright eyed, bushy tailed girl fresh out of school everything, where and how she'll be in 10 years time, she would be disappointed with herself.
The 17 y.o me would be disappointed with the 27 y.o me.
Having said that, I sometimes amaze myself at how strong of a person I can be.
At the things I'm willing to sacrifice and the shit I'm willing to put up with.
In some ways, I'm sorted.
And some other ways, I am beyond lost.

. l o v e l o v e .

2011-02-14T03:09:00.000+08:00

"I think I miss you."

Such a simple sentence but enough to make someone feel just a little extra special for the moment.
Enough to make someone curb that cheesy grin at the risk of looking like an idiot.

Here I am sending out a little extra love to each and every one of you gorgeous people in my life.
Feel the extra love all around you today.
Perhaps you won't have to reach for that bottle of pills later tonight.

Love always.
Always, always xx

.whoNeedsShelter.

2011-02-09T14:49:00.000+08:00

Good-day sunlight
I'd like to say how truly bright you are
You don't know me but I know you
You're my favorite.

. m o v e .

2011-02-07T22:47:00.000+08:00

He said to her, "You are the man who can't be moved, dear."
She looked away and said under her breath, "I'm a girl."
"So move a little. Just a little bit" was what he said as he took a puff on his ciggie.

.ofbeingBitter.

2011-02-01T20:36:00.003+08:00

So here's me being bitter on a Terrible Tuesday.

Living alone sucks. You gotta do shit by yourself.
Find food. Do laundry. Take out trash.
Smua buat sendiri.
Sucks. It gets to you after a while.
As if all those years in boarding school and college sorting yourself out are not enough.
Yes, I AM spoiled like that.

It's shit when you still have to work on a public holiday.
Doesn't matter la if you can do your work in your undies at home or whatever.
Worse thing is, you don't get paid even a dime extra.

I'm so tired of having "restrictions" just to jaga hati someone.
If it's not this person, it's that person.
There's always someone to have to jaga hati for.
Can't do this, can't do that, gotta do this, gotta do that.
Gotta be a bit sensitive. Gotta be considerate.
Sometimes you gotta just say "ah fuck it."
But it's of no use if you'll just end up feeling like crap.
I thought I could be that person who could just like, not give a shit about other people.
You know, just be selfish for once.
But I can't. I failed miserably. It made me feel like poo.
Shtinky poo. I am not that person after all.
I wonder if eventually you'll stop feeling like crap.
If you always have to jaga hati someone, who's there to jaga YOUR hati?
Sigh.

The rainy weather affects me a great deal.
I need the sun. A good dose of sunshine everyday.
Sucks how it's been raining a lot.
On Sunday it poured and poured.
It just kept on raining.
I thought to myself, the sky is crying.
I was convinced that the sky must be heartbroken for nothing else can explain why it rained non stop.
Must be some douchebag's fault.

Today I want to distressfully smash some plates and small potted plants.
I am feeling really crappy.
But yeah, I never got to do that. I always just end up crying when I'm horribly pissed or upset.
I think it would be awesome to release all your negative vibes in that shattering way.
Then again, having to clean up all that mess afterward kinda brings down the awesomeness.
Unless you have some poor soul to do it while you baring emo.

It's February.
How time somehow flies by really fast these past couple of months.
Feels like it was only a few days ago that I was on a constant high.
I don't want to have to sulk too long till the next one.
Urgh. How I need another break.
Sunkissed. Free. Calm. Euphoric.

. t r u t h .

2011-01-31T12:57:00.000+08:00

Truth is, I don't know how I got here.

2011-01-27T13:30:00.004+08:00

It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
-Sway

. x o x o .

2011-01-27T00:07:00.000+08:00

Sometimes all you need is just that big fat hug.
Oh, and that kiss on the forehead to make it all better.
Yeah, better.

2011-01-25T15:45:00.000+08:00

.ofMyWistfulWednesdayII.

2011-01-19T16:38:00.002+08:00

I've been dead bored at work.
For 3 days now, I've been going to work knowing that I won't have anything to do.
For now, I am getting paid to sit on this chair for 8 hours like an idiot and go home with a headache.
I can't handle it.
I can't just sit without doing anything.
Sleeping or watching tv doesn't count.
Cos well, yeah, it doesn't.
That's still doing something.
A serene, immobile something.
Sitting, just sitting, is not something.
So I take longer lunch.
Longer lung polluting session.
Longer route to Starbucks.
I just take longer everything.
Just to cover up for the "nothingness."
I also watched GA.
At the state that I'm in, every feeling, every emotion is somewhat heightened.
So when under normal circumstances, I would have tears running down slowly on my cheeks, I, now, really cry.
Like, actual soft sobs.
It may sound ridiculous.
It may seem ridiculous to normal unknowing eyes.
but honest to God, it is so, so, so good to actually do something.
Crying.
To actually feel something other than complete and utter boredom.
This whole entry, as you might have already known, is completely pointless.
I just needed to write.
To do something.
To officially document, for my own sanity's sake.
Crying, while watching GA at work, as ridiculous as it may be to you, is really good for me.

"Maybe going through all of that fear and crap is what keeps us moving forward, it's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

.ofMyWistfulWednesday.

2011-01-19T14:56:00.004+08:00

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorns twist in your side

.ofThatLittleNote.

2011-01-18T19:30:00.005+08:00

Just like you once said to me, now I would like to return the favor.
I want to tell you that it will all be alright.
Everything will be okay.
Just like I once told you, and I still do believe,
everything will work out for the better.
Everything will work out in your favor.
You gotta have faith.
Just as how I have faith in you.
I will be there when you are lost in the dark to shine the light on you.
Sometimes shit fucks you up big time.
I know very well how horrid it is to go through it alone.
So I'd like to keep my words.
I never want anyone to ever go through what I had to.
Not anyone. Not even you.
As I once promised, I will be there for you every step of the way.
Always have, always will.
You, of all people, should know that.

Always, always
Your number 1 cheerleader xx

. s h i e l d .

2011-01-14T11:48:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, you have to build a wall.
Have your guard up.
Shield yourself.

And at some point, you need to let everything comes tumbling down.
Save me from the debris.

"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
and I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer" - Drive

. s u n s h i n e .

2011-01-13T17:24:00.006+08:00

.remember. remember. remember.

. you are my sunshine . my only sunshine .
. you make me happy . when skies are grey .
. you'll never know, dear . how much I love you .
. please don't take my sunshine away .

.ofWeepandBleed.

2011-01-11T14:11:00.002+08:00

B0yce Avenue, this relationship's been awhile.
but I really just HAVE to say this.
NEED to.
You make me weep.
You make my heart bleeds.
For that, you rock my bloody socks ( & heart) off!

. j u s t B e c a u s e .

2011-01-11T00:32:00.000+08:00

My posts are very self-indulgent.
Just because.

Also, I'd rather talk about Kim Kardashian's ass than the socio-economic status of families in the third world countries.
I don't need to prove myself to anyone.
I don't need to sound smart or even attempt at sounding smart.
Being smart makes my head hurts.
Sometimes, I will ask people around me to calculate the value of 5x5.
Just because.

I still haven't replied to most of the birthday wishes I received.
Not that I don't appreciate them.
I've just been a little "off."
Just because.

I like to have a tanned body.
Just because.

When you go all intellectual on me, I most probably will tune you out.
I don't want to hurt my head.
I don't want to pay attention and have to respond to your intellectualism even if I CAN.
Just because.

.of2011.

2011-01-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

Someone I met said that 2011 is a good year for the pigs.
Yes, I was born in the year of the pig.
I've always believed that those born in the year of pigs are doomed from the start.
We WILL grow up to be complete pigs.
So just how will 2011 be good for the pigs?
I'll be an even better pig?
I'll stink more?
I'll be more disgustingly pink?
Does that mean I'll be buying more pink dresses and bags?
Or will I get fatter?
Mum said I'm "a little chubby."
When your own mother says that, it's pretty hard not to believe it.
Mothers are, after all, not supposed to be blinded by love.
So I wonder, how will 2011 be good for pigs like me?
2009 was like, beyond crap.
2010 was well, still shit.
2011 is supposed to be good.
Keyword being "supposed" to.
I don't need a kickass 2011. (Although I very well fucking deserve it)
I won't even go as far as to hope for a great year.
A little more happiness and less pain is all I'm asking for.
2011, may you be kind to me.
Stars up above, you know what I wished for.
Be kind.
Have a good 2011 my beloved.
Love always xx