.p i l i h a n k u.

maukah kau menjadi yang pertama
yang selalu ada di setiap pagi ku membuka mata

*covers self with thick comforter*

ah. words fail me.

.kepala.hotak.kau.

Sometimes I just want to say "Kepala hotak kau!!!" But then I don't cos that's just not me. I'm rising above and beyond. I'm above that.

**
An old friend whom I have finally properly met up with after like, 3 years kept asking what the hell happened to me? Apparently I am now less vocal, very space-y and dreamy, totally unfocused, a whole lot skinnier, and seem to lack happy sparks or whatever it is you wanna call it. What the hell happened eh? Well, the last 4 years happened! That's what. and the last 4 months: PALING HAPPENING!

***
and oh. I'm disappointed cos I am Miss Ass+Boobs no longer :(

Looking for Time

There's a saying that says "Time heals all wounds." So I'm thinking that time overlooked me. I feel like asking Time, "Hey Time, did you forget about me?" Or does Time NOT know I exist?

Oh, if only Time knows what a good person I am, and how much I've been bawling every single day, perhaps Time would have pity on me. Then maybe Time will go "Oh my, my Ati, I'm sorry I've left you all alone all these while. Let's start the healing shall we?"

So, Time? Hello? Time, you there? Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmeeeeeeeeeee???

*blink blink*
I need you now cos the painkillers are running dangerously low.

.be.my.seth.

I've been watching a lot of The 0.C. lately so please don't mind me.

2 main couples.
1. Marissa + Ryan.
2. Summer + Seth

So yeah. Both couples had their ups and downs. Always been a rollercoaster ride.
Couple 1 - Girl died, ended the whole ride
Couple 2 - Got married to each other. Cute wedding.

and I'm thinking, at this rate, couple 1 scenario is more likely to be a lot closer to reality. Boo!

but I'm Summer. I am so Summer. So WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SETH C0HEN?!??!!?

***
Seth: He's the only friend I've ever had.
Summer: No. You have me.

**
Marissa: Who's Kofi Annan?
Summer: Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

**
Seth: Okay, the way you're holding the pencil, you're choking it.
Summer: I am not! This pencil can breathe on its own!

**
Seth: What made you change your mind?
Summer: Taylor. She made me see that at Brown you're going to be surrounded by, like, really smart people that are going to make you feel really stupid. So you need someone around to make you feel smart again.


****


p/s: No, no. It's not like I want to get married. No. Not at all.

.l a r a.

masih sakit.
masih mahu.
masih kasih.
masih rindu.
masih duka lara.

haish.

mom showed me a whole stack of wedding invitations. too many. like, literally a whole stack. made me wanna rip them all into pieces and throw them out the window and be merry for a few seconds seeing the colorful confetti get blown away by the wind. she still keeps the fancy ones for "reference." she is still hopeful.

met this girl who is terribly upset that the last time she talked to her grandma, she lied saying she was too busy with exams to go and eat the assam pedas her grandma cooked for lunch. grandma is now in a coma in the hospital. she is at the hospital every single day being remorseful and wonderfully hopeful. so i thought, always, always try to be nice cos u never know what might happen.

okay. let's skip over to the land of (missing) sunshine.

a good friend of mine is getting married real soon. am so excited for him. still believe that the dorks in the world can get the happy endings. am thinking what the hell to wear to his (too many!) receptions.

got to eat donuts. like, sinfully delicious donuts. like, lotsa them. so soft. so sweet. so heavenly. not supposed to but what the heck. i need some yummy goodness after all that un-yummy stuff i am very hesitant to call food.

the little bratty niece got a pink Barb1e trolley bag she's been asking for since months ago. i think it's too expensive. she's so happy she got it. i'm thinking, i can get a really hot dress for that same amount. but because she's totally ecstatic, i thought ok. takpelah. let her have the bag. plus, she's only 5. when she's my age, she'd prolly ask for a dress too.

masih mahu nonton.
masih mahu 3 f0rever21 dresses (sila belikan?)
masih mahu 2 mng dresses (sila belikan juga?)
masih mahu dresses (period)
masih mahu flipflops.
masih mahu lagu itu (sila nyanyikan?)

"Give me more lovin' than I've ever had,
Make it all better when I'm feelin' sad,
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not,
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, Barely gettin' mad,
I'm so glad I found you; I love bein' around you."
- "1,2,3,4" Plain White T's 

now continue please...

.my mind says “Fake It”.

Someone cool told me to fake it. So I thought, hey why not? I can be pretty good at faking it if I want to. So here I am, fingers on the keys with my fake mode on.

Right. It's been about 12 minutes since the last period was keyed in. I thought it would be easy. Guess I'm wrong. Lemme try harder. Ok.

Miss TB said she feels as if someone's sitting on her shoulders. I feel like someone's constantly having a barbeque on my shoulders. Like, it's constantly really hot there. Like, heat is just oozing out. So I wonder, why the shoulders? Why can't it be the wrist or the waist or something? If it's the wrist, I could just dip it in cold water.

The other day, I spent about 15 minutes on this hugely comfy massage chair. Oh, I'm telling you. Heavenly. I wanted to have another session but I'm scared I'll get hooked on it and would not want to let go of the chair. If you have the big ass massage chair at home, complete with remote control segala, I am jealous of you. Damn right I am.

I don't know why but I have this fascination with first aid kits. I like going through them. Most of the time, I want to chuck the stuff into my bag. I don't need them, of course, but there's just something weirdly fascinating about bandage and alcohol swabs.

I now have newfound respect to people who eats oatmeal every single day. I don't know how these people do it. My grandma included. Perhaps, there's a major difference if you're doing it by choice. Hmm. Also, much to my surprise, eating oatmeal, vege soup, and Milo everyday does not make you lose weight. Weird.

Miss Lidia Mino, Te extraño mucho. Besitos.

.onlylove.

99% of the time, we direct our anger and frustration to the person we care about the most. This results in regrets. More often than not, regrets only come at the end of the line when it is just much too late.

Before we say something to that person, think about what we're going to say. Really think about it. Would it hurt? Would it cost that person tremendous pain? If we know the answer for both questions is yes, it is best not to say it. No questions asked. Really. There is absolutely no gain in hurting that one person. Truth hurts, yes. But then again, perhaps they're not really the truth, only sentiments driven by heightened emotions.

Some say "Actions speak louder than words," but really, words can cause just as much damage and loss. Only love dear, hate won't get you anywhere.

I want to be the one you turn to. I want to be the one you pick up the phone and call on every instance. I want to hear the tune I set for you ringing every hour of the day just because you feel like hearing my voice. Even if it's just for 43 seconds. I want to be that person. I want to be your person. This is not how I want things to be. Never ever. Can we write a new ending to an old story?

I am not afraid to sound stupid. I am not too proud to admit my feelings. I don't care if I come across as sad and pathetic. Just as long as at the end of the day, I have you to hold my hand at the crossing line.

.b a d.

I know I've got it bad, really, really bad when:

- I can't eat properly cos of some stupid tummy viral infection.
- I haven't slept properly in over a month minus a few nights when I was too drugged out.
- my blood pressure is constantly low hence the dizziness and feeling nauseous all the time.
- visiting the doctor is like a daily routine.
- the doctor advised me to try and not pass out so that I won't risk getting a seizure.
- without makeup, I look soooo bad.
- I have permanent dark circles and eyebags.
- I have been losing weight.
- I vomit everyday.
- my drawer is like a freaking pharmacy full of drugs.
- I constantly feel like heat is emitting from around my shoulders and neck.
- I have a whole long list of what's wrong with me, health-wise.
- I'm unhappy every single day.
- I'm under massive emotional stress.
- I cry everyday.
- the more I know, the more I see, the more I hear, the more I discover, the more it hurts inside.
- I have to force myself to be okay.
- I am tired and exhausted all the time from trying to be okay.

but then again, who cares right? I sure as hell know you don't.

.h o w.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, how, oh just how after all these years, did we end up being what we are and where we are now?