wrecked

it's almost 5 am on a monday morning. been raining the whole day and night. when i woke up this morning it was still dark outside. not because it was too early to wake up on a sunday. because it has been raining. continued to rain till late evening. stopped noticing after that when i went down for dinner. n now that im sitting here, i notice it's still raining.

the whole day i just sat around all bummed out n dazed. sat in this chair facing the window for quite some time. rain in the fall is depressing. sometimes i cant help but stare out of the window, spacing out, being hypnotized by the tiny drops of rain on the glass. when i snap out of it, id often think it's ridiculous how long i can just "disappear." u dont notice the time. u dont notice the ache in ur back and legs fr sitting too long. u dont notice the pain. at least i dont.

when i sit alone, i think. not that i like to. i just do. it's not good. at least not for me. that's why most of the time, i refuse to think abt the emotional mambo jambo. thoughts are confusing. i confuse myself. i contradict myself. today, i was thinking of how i think ive been in denial of my feelings. mainly because im scaring myself by turning into someone completely different. it's scary to discover a part of myself that i never knew i had. even scarier when i know it's destructive. n so ive been choosing a path that i knew (or perhaps, think) is right. just because well, it's right. and in doing so, i mite have suppressed some feelings which were bottled up. n all that bottled up emotions will find its way of getting out. like, obvi.

so that mite explain the hour-long non-stop sobfest friday nite. whoaa did i cry. swear to god i havent cried that bad in a really long time. cant even remember when was the last time i cried that long. woke up with really bad puffy eyes. always reminded myself to wash my face after crying. didnt bother with that the other nite. was too much in pain. thank god for eyeliner and sunglasses. im hoping it will be a long time before i hv another long non-stop sobbing session. i dunno what i should call the pain i felt. i think it was me being heartbroken. weird. so is.

with the grey, gloomy, dark, n depressing weather outside, it didnt help with the healing process. loud friends helped in "pausing" everything. but not erasing. watched 2 indo movies to take mind off the emotional crap. *sigh* crap is too harsh a word for this. but yeah. "heart" and "mengejar matahari" became a sort-of release for leftover tears. was initially looking for some sort of innocent entertainment. wrong choice of films for entertainment. despite all the hype surrounding Heart, i must say i prefer Mengejar Matahari.

will head to the mall again tomorrow n most prolly waste more money. all in the name of therapy. silly, i know. but i'll do whatever. if erasing cant be done, pausing will do. i need some sort of assurance. i need to know it's going to be ok. i need to know i will be ok. i need to know something, anything. i dunno. im just one emotional piece of wreck. i look in the mirror and i see someone who seems fine. seems being the operative verb. i want to be fine. i appear to be fine. but i know im not.

shucks. i tried. i really tried to kinda put the emotional entry on hold for a while. failed failed failed miserably. whatev. im emotional so sue me. baaahhh!