ihaveaheart
All my life, (well, almost..) I've had this set of rules. Not rules, per se. Guidelines. Protocols. I dunno. Like, if A happens to me. I'd be A1. If somebody says B to me, I'd reply with B3. If somebody C on me, I'd definitely C7. You catch my drift. Well, I hope you do.
However, over the recent years, I find myself changing, and often straying, sometimes too far from that set of guidelines. It is very surprising, even to myself sometimes. The things that I once would ideally do, I just can't anymore. I wouldn't and more so, I can't. I am now incapable of so many things I once very much was.
I don't know if it's maturity or childishness or just plain absent-mindedness, depending on your outlook on things. But with age, as I grow older, I have a whole lot of patience and tolerance for certain things which I never did. I have also, with much wonders, learned to hold back. A lot of stuff, I must say.
I used to question my mom so much whenever my dad pulled his neverending short-tempered tantrums. "How do you deal with it?" "WHYYY do you tolerate so much?" "Why don't you say something? SAY SOMETHING MA!" Usually she would just dismiss me with "Biarkan aja." "Tak apalah" But there was this one day she cried and said to me "It just comes naturally. Satu hari nanti you tahu. Nanti Ati rasa apa mama rasa. Lepas tu mesti tak marah mama dah." That shut me up. I walked out of the kitchen, head towards my room and cried feeling absolutely lousy.
I now know and understand. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's damn hard to just stick to a set of rules. My mindset that used to be all black and white, now has shades of gray I am beginning to be familiar with. My heart is not the same wooden heart I had before. It is now soft. Sometimes too ridiculously soft.
Having a big soft heart does not make me weak. I am not weak. I vow not to hurt another heart. Making sacrifices does not mean I am admitting defeat. As long as I still have my faith and beliefs, I will be fine. Yes, I might get hurt. Over and over again. It's like putting your heart out there to be trampled on. But the heart will heal, right?
However, over the recent years, I find myself changing, and often straying, sometimes too far from that set of guidelines. It is very surprising, even to myself sometimes. The things that I once would ideally do, I just can't anymore. I wouldn't and more so, I can't. I am now incapable of so many things I once very much was.
I don't know if it's maturity or childishness or just plain absent-mindedness, depending on your outlook on things. But with age, as I grow older, I have a whole lot of patience and tolerance for certain things which I never did. I have also, with much wonders, learned to hold back. A lot of stuff, I must say.
I used to question my mom so much whenever my dad pulled his neverending short-tempered tantrums. "How do you deal with it?" "WHYYY do you tolerate so much?" "Why don't you say something? SAY SOMETHING MA!" Usually she would just dismiss me with "Biarkan aja." "Tak apalah" But there was this one day she cried and said to me "It just comes naturally. Satu hari nanti you tahu. Nanti Ati rasa apa mama rasa. Lepas tu mesti tak marah mama dah." That shut me up. I walked out of the kitchen, head towards my room and cried feeling absolutely lousy.
I now know and understand. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's damn hard to just stick to a set of rules. My mindset that used to be all black and white, now has shades of gray I am beginning to be familiar with. My heart is not the same wooden heart I had before. It is now soft. Sometimes too ridiculously soft.
Having a big soft heart does not make me weak. I am not weak. I vow not to hurt another heart. Making sacrifices does not mean I am admitting defeat. As long as I still have my faith and beliefs, I will be fine. Yes, I might get hurt. Over and over again. It's like putting your heart out there to be trampled on. But the heart will heal, right?
I had nothing better to do at
12:48 PM
3 Comments:
Owh, Atie. Hati aku juga mengalami perubahan itu sekarang? Rasa peliks dgn diri sendiri, kan? Huh.
tapinya it's not a bad thing kan Tim?
Harap2 begitulah. Dan, harap2nya, kita masih mampu mengawal diri sendiri lagi, hati ini tidak menjadi sgt2 soft. Kesimpulan: sgt tidak suka menjadi dewasa, sgt rindu zaman kanak2 itu. Sangat...
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