. s u b c o n s c i o u s .

** It's been a while since I last posted something long. So here goes. Rambles, rambles, rambles. Insignificant rambles.

I got really sick last year. As much as I hated it, the hospital became my second home. Don't let the "crowd" in that place fool you. It is one of the loneliest places I've ever been to. So cold and reclusive.
I did what was required. Got this and that done. Although to be honest, I could have done more.
It's just that at that time, it somehow felt like such a huge effort to be made and I really couldn't muster enough energy for it. Like, let me just pick the easier option. So I did it my way. Dealt with everything alone. Or more like, not dealing. Hahaha. Yeah, I'm lazy that way.

So anyway, I somewhat recovered. Alhamdulillah. Okay, yes, I do have medication which I rarely take unless I'm at that point where I go like, oh shit, I'm gonna crash. Sorreeehhh. I just don't need a constant reminder of my fragility. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I don't need the fear. So pardon me if I just want to live, do, eat, and drink whatever I want without wanting to think of the consequences. Foolish, yes. But easier. Much easier.

My doctor told me that my extreme emotional stress triggered my current "defects." In the process of recovery, I have somewhat subconsciously built a wall separating my conscious and subconscious mind. Yeah, major discovery on my part. Major. Heh. I guess it's my internal defense mechanism taking over without my complete awareness. If someone were to ask me, "Hey, do you think you're stressed?" I would be able to say "No, I'm fine" without even blinking an eye. Truth is, I am just not aware that I AM subconsciously stressed. It's that wall. I blame it on the wall. Hahaha. Like, of course, right?

The emotional bit is now slowly becoming physical again. I've been taking tests based on all the little symptoms I have. Everything just ends up screaming "Stress stress stress!" I'm like, oh come onnn... I'm finnneee.. Well, most of the time at least. Definitely NOT fine during PMS. That wall I subconsciously built is, I believe, very much still standing high and strong. I don't really know if I need to start the demolition process. I just figured, as long as I'm fine, why risk it, right? My subconscious mind can go ahead and do whatever. It just annoys the shit out of me whenever I could literally feel the strain in my head, and I KNOW that my mind's working overtime but I just can't accurately pinpoint what it's processing or thinking about. I hate that! Like, so penat! Even worse when I lose sleep over it.

The subconscious mind is the part that's responsible for the involuntary activities. Emotions, beliefs, memories, etc. There must a reason why it's called "involuntary" right? Haha. So why would I want to voluntarily deal with that when blocking it out is a much easier option? Free and easy. Yeah, free as long as the health insurance covers it! Oh well, carpe diem. Cliche, but oh so fitting.

p/s: I consciously know I miss my long hair.